Stephanie emailed weeks ago seeking advice on how to plan her upcoming wedding party menu. She’s marrying a Vietnamese person and had several of my books. Rory and I got married years ago so I didn’t know whether or not what we did was appropriate for 2016. This morning, I pulled out our two wedding scrapbooks (noticed the "scrap book" misspelling), took a stroll down memory lane, and responded to Stephanie.
Rory and I began dating in 1989 and when he officially asked for my hand in marriage several years later, he had to do it in front of my parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews. It wasn’t an intimate man-to-man discussion. There was a video camera rolling. My dad made a speech (my dad is eloquent and loves public speaking), and among Dad's comments was that the wedding would be an opportunity to combine the best of eastern and western traditions, the things that we cherished the most.
We kept that in mind for the many years that we were engaged. I worked and attended graduate school full-time at the University of Southern California; Rory was crisscrossing Los Angeles as an adjunct professor at local universities. We lived happily in a Santa Monica rent-controlled apartment owned by our friend Len. We had little money or time to get married until I finished school and left my job.
During the engagement period, my mom needled us to get married. “What do I tell my friends about where you are living? And, when you do decide to get married, have the courtesy to let me know,” she sarcastically said. Finally, we picked July 13, 1996 – one of the few dates open at the extremely popular Catholic church down the street from our place. (The other wedding that day coincidentally involved a Viet groom and non-Viet bride.)
Did we want a Chinatown restaurant banquet like my sisters and cousins had? No. We wanted to do it our way: in the garden at Len’s apartment building. My parents were initially aghast but eventually relented since we were going to have a full Catholic mass for our nuptials (my dream father’s dream). The party was up to us.
Rory and I were on a budget but we had very talented friends. We set up a card table after dinner to make invitations. I designed and printed them out. Friends volunteered to come and help out with production and assembly. Food and drink fueled our merriment.
I was also willing to a lot of the cooking, and my mom was totally ready to pitch in; she made my outfit and the bridal party outfits, as well as prepared certain dishes. Below is our wedding party menu.
Study the sub-headers to see how we organized the themes. Those were the foods and traditions that we meant something to us. Though Into the Vietnamese Kitchen wouldn’t be published until 2006, the pate chaud puff pastry snacks, imperial rolls (cha gio), good luck sticky rice (xoi gac), cucumber and shrimp salad (goi dua chuot/leo) and shrimp chips (banh tom chien) were dear to my heart and tradition; we served them at the wedding and later included recipes for them in the book.
I knew our limits and had no problem ordering food from other places. The whole roast pig came from a Chinese barbecue shop; they cut it up and ceremoniously presented it on a large wooden display tray (you leave a deposit for the wood tray and return it later). My parents’ close friends, Mr. and Mrs. Nha, picked up the pig from Little Saigon and brought it to Santa Monica. The steamed bao came with the pig, but if I were to do it again, I’d use the recipe in Asian Dumplings on page 96.
The pig and sticky rice are traditional Viet wedding foods. Red is for good luck and sticky rice ensures that the newlyweds stay together. Wedding celebrations merit the harvesting and cooking of an entire pig.
The pakoras and eggplant from a favorite Indian vegetarian restaurant near our apartment. I made the satay, curry, and cabbage salad. I guess I must have made the rice too! The glorious cake (genoise, hazelnut butter cream, and fondant) was prepared by our friend Christophe, a classically-trained French pastry chef. The cake topper was a charming gift from Teresa, a friend residing in Hong Kong; mixed couple wedding toppers were hard to find in 1996.
Victor, a Beverly Hills hairdresser with many skills, also did the flowers and everyone's hair. Our caterer friend, Kathy, organized the buffet set-up and service staff. Musician neighbors helped us hire a trio. The day before the wedding, a group of us strung up paper lanterns and set up a canopy that my mom sewed to shade the band.
The next day was a blast. My parents beamed. Liquor flowed and everyone had a splendid time, well into the evening’s after-party party and into the next day. My brother Dan, friend Melanie, and neighbor Danny took photos.
Someone reported that actor Robert Downey, Jr., who was convalescing nearby, peeked into the party. The ultimate compliment came from my mom, who said, “It was much more than what I expected.” It was indeed truly more than what all of us had in mind.
Stephanie and her fiancé have secured a lovely wedding venue. They won't have to do as much DIY stuff as we did because much has change.
What I advised her was basically what my father said: Keep in the spirit of your union. Ask your in-laws to glean what's important to them. Then consider what’s significant to you and your fiancé. Then combine it all and have a good time.
Rory and I had an unconventional, non-traditional wedding party. We had a good time and there were no regrets. Maybe it was the sticky rice, but twenty years later, we’re still together.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Have tips or thoughts to share? Please do!
neha jain says
Awesome post, thanks for sharing