My parents raised us with a moderately-high level of formality. Whenever there were guests in the house, we were paraded in front of them, made to stand in a row and bow. If we visited other people’s homes, we were expected to be quiet and polite, no matter how bored we got. When I misbehaved at the table, my mother would put a very very firm grip on my leg to convey her disapproval. With five children in our family, there was plenty of horsing around. However, we had to don our public faces when appropriate.
The photo above is of the grandson of a friend of my mother's. He enjoys his food with gusto and around his age (I venture that he was around 8 when I snapped the shot in Saigon), he eats with one hand on his hip!
Having lived in America for most of my life, the manners from my childhood have relaxed over the years. Nevertheless, certain behaviors endure at the table because we relive all the eating experiences of the past whenever we sit down to a meal. Here are some Vietnamese table manners and etiquette that I can’t quite shake:
Polishing chopsticks at a restaurant – When eating out at a Vietnamese restaurant, one of the first things I do is grab some chopsticks and rub them with a paper napkin to make sure that they’re clean. Then I set the chopsticks down on a clean paper napkin in front of each person. I do the same thing with a soup spoon. On the rare occasion that I’ve not polished the plastic utensils out of a sense of embarrassment, I found junk on the utensils.
The man is first – It’s not THE MAN but the man. My father always sits at the prominent spot at the table and served first. He still does this, but he also seats my husband and other males around him at one end of the table. Actually, Dad is in charge of the seating arrangement and when we’re dining with my parents, we always wait for him to inform us where to sit; there’s a fluctuating number of family members at the table since we all don’t live at home.
When eating at home, I often find myself serving my husband first and he’ll inevitably thank me and tell me, “Hey, you didn’t need to do that.” But I did and it’s hard to stop.
Both hands on the table – Western table etiquette says that you are not supposed to put both hands and elbows on the table. I learned that in elementary school and from watching lots of American television shows. So it was that I started eating with only one hand on the table. When my mother caught me, she told me that you have to have both hands on the table during a Vietnamese meal because otherwise, (1) you cannot pick up your rice bowl and use chopsticks at the same time, (2) you cannot use all your fingers to wrap up food in banh trang rice paper and lettuce, and (3) other people won’t know what your other hand is up to under the table.
Trying to remember to keep one or two hands on the table depending on the cultural situation and its rules of etiquette has been akin to learning to be ambidextrous. I’m not great at it. Forgive me if you see both of my hands on your table.
Setting a ‘proper’ Vietnamese table – Years ago, I was astounded to find out that other Vietnamese people ate their meals with just a rice bowl and chopsticks set out for each person. At my mother’s table, each place setting included a salad plate with a rice bowl centered on top. To the right, there was a perfectly aligned set of matching chopsticks and a soup spoon. That was proper Vietnamese table manners, even though our rice bowls were the cheap free ones we got from the Asian market and the chopsticks were plastic made to look like ivory. My mom’s practical argument is that you have to put the unwanted bits of food (bones, skin, etc.) somewhere – preferable not the table surface and the floor. She also wanted to maintain a certain dignity in the midst of our rather modest immigrant living conditions.
In Vietnam, food trash is often directly put on the table or dropped onto the floor and someone comes along to clean it up later. At casual eateries, you’re mostly given a rice bowl and chopsticks to eat with. I’ve never tried to throw or spit my bits out, but I have tried to set our table with just rice bowls and chopsticks. Rory, my non-Vietnamese husband, always complains that it doesn’t feel right and slides a salad plate underneath each bowl.
Personalize food before eating – Vietnamese cuisine is a highly personal one in that “you CAN have it your way,” as the Burger King motto goes. Before diving into a bowl of pho, I go through the ritual of adding bean sprouts, torn herb leaves, and chile slices. I love to mix up a little dipping sauce at the table or tweak one that’s been set out. With western foods such as a hamburger, I often take a good 5 minutes to arrange all the garnishes to get them just the way I like it. I love buffets because you can freely make your own food and flavors. It’s fun to personalize and tinker with your food, even if other people are nearly halfway done with theirs before you take your first bite.
When it comes to eating Vietnamese food, I don’t know if there are general rules as much as parameters. On the other hand, we each set up a little personal set of rules based upon childhood experiences and personal preferences. They’re hard to change but then, why?
Do you have quirky or not-so-quirky table manners/rituals to share?
denologis says
hohohoho, glad to visit here.... 🙂
Annie says
Great post! I love how every culture is different. In Malaysia, my mom always insisted that the kids learn to set the table and at our home, this meant that the table was wiped clean and everything was put away from the table, then the placemats were put on and each diner got one spoon and one fork (spoon on right and fork on left of plate). Today, my table is not always so cleared but I do get quite upset if the table is not wiped down before food and everything else is set to eat.
I'm also
Von says
I'm so with you on the polishing of the chopsticks at restaurants. I don't think I can start a meal w/o doing this ritual.
Andrea Nguyen says
Annie, that's so funny! Thanks for sharing. I love to shovel food from the rice bowl but have to watch out where and when I do it. As for drinking from the bowl, after all these years, my hubby still thinks it strange when I do it. Funny how the Japanese, with all careful attention to details love to gulp miso soup.
Von, oye. Polishing the plastic utensils borders on being a Rain Man obsession.
Johnny says
Haha...I love this post.
When I was little, I would set my chopsticks down inside the pho bowl and my mom would always take them out and set them across the bowl.
Now, as an adult, I automatically lay them across the bowl.
Andrea Nguyen says
Johnny, resistance is futile. Thanks for sharing.
Simon Bao says
Oh Andrea, on this topic alone a person could write an entire chapter...
In a Viet restaurant, I also scrupulously clean my chopsticks, soup spoon, tea cup, my tiny little dipping bowl into which I'll put hoisin and sriracha... And I instruct non-Viet friends to do likewise. "Don't ask... just trust me..."
In my house, The Man is never first. The Guests, if any, are first, with no regard for age or gender. It's "Eat with both hands and elbows on the table," and I too cannot abide a lazily o
Joel says
Chinese could be very informal depending on the situation, but then when we entertain people, whether they are nosy family friends or people whom we are meeting for the first time, the taboos could even make Western white tie dinner etiquettes look like children's plays.
I remember things like leaving the favourite food to the elderly even if you like them, and as the youngest people who are no longer kids, you are supposed to serve everyone in the table in turns. (For example, if you are in a
Andrea Nguyen says
Simon, very funny but seriously, I understand what you're saying, you put food on the table, treat it with respect! I once went for dinner at a well-to-do home in Hong Kong (no offense meant here to Joel, who's from HK) and (1) was surprised when the hostess had all the food prepped and plated so that her final work was zapping it all in the microwave oven (even the steamed fish!); and (2) when I watched everyone spit their bones directly onto the table, which was protected by a disposable plast
Joel says
That's very funny Andrea. I would have thought table manners, or I should dare say, lack of, like this disappeared when I was still a child in the 1980s. Anyone in my family who dares to try this will quickly become the butt of jokes for ages to come!
Andrea Nguyen says
Well, I was in HK from 1991-92 and one of the first things I learned was to tap my index finger on the table when tea was pour. I tend to drink a lot of fluids so I imagine the tapping could be interpreted as nervousness. Why does she drink and twitch so much?
Michelle Nguyen says
Great post! Made me smile. My parents are also obsessive about putting a salad plate underneath each bowl. Now, even my aunts question it, because they don't think there should be that many dishes to wash. 🙂
And you brought up a great point about fussing with condiments even with Western food. Now I can see where my behavior comes from 🙂
Andrea Nguyen says
Michelle, I feel that we all just got started unearthing, reviewing and assessing our behaviors. So crazy! But hey, manners help calm the beast in all of us, no?
Joel says
Hahaha, the only way to stop tapping fingers will be to pour the tea yourself LOL. I think it is only used for tea though - for alcohol (and soft drink in the same scenario) you will need to pick the glass after the wine is poured and thank the person who poured the drink.
May (or Mai - my Vietnamese name) says
I was born in Hong Kong and came to the U.S. when I was 10. Both my parents are Vietnamese ( from Hanoi) - they left Vietnam to live in Hong Kong during the early 50s. The one Vietnamese table manner that was always practiced in our house - every single meal is this: The youngest person at the table has to verbally " invite" everyone else at the table to eat -starting with the most senior person. This invitation "script" is in Vietnamese - and loses a bit of formality when translated i
May (or Mai - my Vietnamese name) says
I was born in Hong Kong and came to the U.S. when I was 10. Both my parents are Vietnamese ( from Hanoi) - they left Vietnam to live in Hong Kong during the early 50s. The one Vietnamese table manner that was always practiced in our house - every single meal is this: The youngest person at the table has to verbally " invite" everyone else at the table to eat -starting with the most senior person. This invitation "script" is in Vietnamese - and loses a bit of formality when translated i
Daniel ZIlka says
Great article, thanks for bringing a smile (tap tap)!
Andrea Nguyen says
Hi Mai, what an amazing ritual. From your translation, it seems like you could be the Von Trapp family in the Sound of Music. What interesting formalities your parents taught you. I've never heard of something like that but do understand that rituals like that reinforce order and civility.
In my family, my father starts the meal by making us all quiet down and then he says a blessing/prayer. If my Viet brother in law is around (he's married to my oldest sister), he invites my parents to enjoy th
daniel says
Hi Mai,
I'm half-Vietnamese and the Vietnamese side of my family does that whole invitation thing, toom, but only when we are all seated at the same table. I thought all Vietnamese families did this. It is a bit formal, though.
Hai Nguyen says
Re "Polishing chopsticks at a restaurant – When eating out at a Vietnamese restaurant, one of the first things I do is grab some chopsticks and rub them with a paper napkin to make sure that they’re clean."
This is a very annoying habit. It implies that the chopsticks, spoons, etc. are dirty.
Either the restaurant is unsanitary or the customer is distrustful. If the restaurant is unsanitary, don't give it your business. Or let the owner know so. Besides, polishing the chopsticks doesn't make
Hai Nguyen says
Re: "The man is first –... When eating at home, I often find myself serving my husband first and he’ll inevitably thank me and tell me, “Hey, you didn’t need to do that.” But I did and it’s hard to stop."
This is chauvinistic leftover from the male-dominated feudal system of the past, i.e. the man/husband has to be served first. I often try to stop my wife from doing this. But it is hard for her to change because that's how she was brought up by her "traditional" parents. A compromis
Hai Nguyen says
Re "Both hands on the table – Western table etiquette says that you are not supposed to put both hands and elbows on the table."
By "Western table etiquette" I assume you mean "American table etiquette." French table manners require that you put both of your hands ON the table (not the elbows though).
Hai
Hai Nguyen says
Re: Setting a ‘proper’ Vietnamese table – Years ago, I was astounded to find out that other Vietnamese people ate their meals with just a rice bowl and chopsticks set out for each person. At my mother’s table, each place setting included a salad plate with a rice bowl centered on top. To the right, there was a perfectly aligned set of matching chopsticks and a soup spoon. That was proper Vietnamese table manners, even though our rice bowls were the cheap free ones we got from the Asian m
Hai Nguyen says
Hello May/Mai,
Re "...Wonder if this ritual was particular to our family, or to Northern Vietnam as opposed to Southern Vietnam ? Anyway, I never made my kids do it since the "script" is in Vietnamese, and my husband is not Vietnamese . Would love to know if such a ritual was practiced in any other family?"
This is the table etiquette de rigueur of northern Viets, especially if they are from Hanoi. It's part of teaching children good manners and the respect for elders. "Tien hoc le, hau hoc van"
Andrea Nguyen says
Hai, Thanks for responses. As for the "salad" plate -- it's nothing but a large replacement for a traditional formal Viet table setting, which is comprised of a rice bowl and a small -- perhaps 4-inch-wide plate. It's not a French-influenced practice. And, we ate family-style, sharing foods served in communal bowls and plated placed at the center of the table. I think you misread the comments.
The crux of this posting and all the responses has been that there are things that you can't emotionall
Shavedicesundays says
Andrea, great post! We clean our utensils at all Vietnamese restaurants. Mai, my family is from Southern Vietnam, and although we don't follow that ritual to your extent, the children always call out to the parents to come and eat. I've taught my kids to do the same and they always ask their elders to eat when it's time. I'm always appalled when I go to my husbands' family and see all the kids eating away when their parents haven't been invited yet.
meg says
this is a lot of words you should make it short and sweet.
Jon Frodsham says
I just took my VN wife out to dinner, she gave me some soup in a bowl, I had a few sips and then poured the lot into her bowl. She went off at me, saying I was treating her like a pig. I said that she talking to me like that was treating me like a dog. I told her on the way way home that she will have to write up a complete list of VN table manners for me so if I ever break a VN table rule and it is NOT on the list it will be her fault. She is now sulking in the bedroom with the covers pulled ov
Taylor says
This whole thing above, Vietnamese table manners.. Ive seen 80% of this stuff typed word for word on another website. Just saying.
Mai Nguyen says
I was taught to "invite" the eldest to the older adults in the order of ages or ranking order in the family at the table, after grace before starting the meal. Also, you have to wait until the oldest in the table picks up his chopsticks before you could do so. When you pick up food from the serving plate or bowl that was served without a serving spoon, you are supposed to turn your chopsticks and use the other end. This practice, I recently found out that some of my Viet friends didn't even know about.
Andrea Nguyen says
{Sigh} It's so true, Mai. A lot has been lost. But you still remember and perhaps enforce a few standards. That's terrific! Happy New Year to you and your family!